Memorial Time Again!

   Once again the time has come for Jehovah's Witnesses all around the world to gather and celebrate the gruesome torture and death of Jesus Christ. Now, even though this person probably didn't exist, Witnesses assume that Jesus, not only, has died on a stake(though it is a historical fact that Romans executed people on crosses), but that he also wanted his servants to eat his apparently delicious, unleavened body and drink his fantastically inebriating blood.

Jesus-blood is surprisingly popular with college kids

What can really be said about the memorial? Besides the fact that almost all of it is a blatant recruitment and advertizing tool targeting the non-Jehovah's Witnesses in the audience, what the event really boils down to is a silly ritual-for-ritual-sake event that feels boring, stale, and not exactly emotionally investing. Sure, the brother giving the speech will spend a cursory amount of time explaining why Jesus' death is so goddamn meaningful and blah blah blah, but when everything is said and done, what is really happening besides passing some symbolic talismans around and congratulating yourself for being a good christian?

I know that if I ran a silly fundamentalist religion I would mix it up a little. Maybe one year I'd have all of my followers do a little Jesus-dance—I don't know, but whatever I'd do would probably spice it up a little bit. Nevertheless, the Witnesses still take this celebration of marketing techniques seriously; but then again, they have a habit of taking everything seriously.

See that facial hair? Yes, they take that seriously too

So for all the family members of Jehovah's Witnesses that have been suckered into observing tonight's feast of intellectual boredom, I have a suggestion: bring booze. Lots and lots of booze.